I like to get an early night on a Sunday because you never know what Monday mornings can throw at you. This morning, a group of P7s announced that we were all going to die midweek. Never fear, I was on the case and knew they were referring to the switching on of the large hadron collider at CERN – I’d done my research, you see. I was able to pacify them by reassuring them that the mere switching on of the machinery was quite safe and that, although a beam of particles was going to be introduced into the collider on Wednesday (webcast here), there was to be no collision of protons. Conditions similar to those just after the Big Bang would not be simulated this September – we would not be dying this week. One promised to sue me if we did – I suspect he doesn’t even have a lawyer. Anything to get out of practising.

The unlikely event of science bringing civilisation to an end is scheduled for Tue 21 October – so at least we’ll have had a holiday – although I question the value of a full day’s in service just before entering a black hole. Were we to exit a black hole, intact but in another universe – would we expected to try our best to make it to school? Would we get travel expenses? Normally, in cases of nature interfering with our professionalism, one is encouraged to tune into local radio for details. Increasingly, though, I find local radio and the end of civilisation difficult to tell apart.

In the even less likely event of my serious treatment of the subject leaving some blanks in the science, let the groovers in the CERN Rap Team explain: [kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]